I've unmasked for the first time!

Blog Post #7

Firstly, hello again readers! I am happy to finally have the time and energy to sit down and work on this blog again. Most of the year has been filled with wedding planning and getting married! I married my middle school sweetheart — this year was our 10th year :)

There's a lot I have learned about myself and my autism, but the most prominent thing to blog about right now is that I successfully unmasked a few weeks ago. This is the work of a year of therapy, self-care, and really learning to listen to myself and my body.

I've come to learn that I don't really have a mask around my friends and really much anywhere else, although I will be shy in uncomfortable areas. However, I do have a mask around my family.

I've learned that my most prominent form of masking around them presented as fawning or people-pleasing.

Infographic on the different trauma responses by Alyssa Kiefer from PsychCentral

When relaying some of my childhood to my SO, I was able to recognize my masking mid-conversation, and correct my people-pleasing response, and therefore take off the mask.

The scene is this:

We are standing in the kitchen, and I am telling a memory from middle school to my SO. I had attended the father-daughter dance with a family friend because my mother wanted me to take my step-father but I would rather have just not gone at all since I missed my father (she had moved the immediate family across the country so he was unable to attend the dance).

I started by saying to my SO, "I didn't want to go —"

But my immediate (subconscious) response was to correct this with the compromise I had made with my mother, cutting myself off and saying, "Well, I wanted to take Name and dance so —"

However, I once again cut myself off (lol) and said aloud, "Am I masking? I think I am masking."

This was a huge step, as it shows that my subconscious is no longer so subconscious. Eventually, I will be able to have better control over it and my mask.

And an even bigger step I took was what I said after recognizing the mask: "I did not want to go, but I went with Name because my mother wanted to me go." By verbalizing the truth, I am reinforcing my want to unmask, as well as telling my body I am in a safe space and don't need to mask.

That was all!

My unmasking was relatively fast and small, but like I said, this was a years worth of work, so it was huge progress!

This was also apparent by the way my body responded to the event, which I have learned is a very common experience with unmasking: Autistic Euphoria.

For the rest of the week, I was in high spirits! I had higher energy than normal and was pretty giddy/silly. I was also averaging 4-6 hours of sleep a night instead of my usual nine.

I am terrible about spending money on myself (and just money in general), but that week I ended up making many (perhaps too many) impulse purchases. (On the other hand, I was giving myself the self-care I deserved — I just don't have a lot of money to be spending haha) [If you're curious, I bought a few things on Etsy like a dice bag and earrings, a couple books at the local comic book store, a book set from an indie author, and more.]

I actually had to text my therapist and ask if I was manic and how that would be. He explained that it was Autistic Euphoria.

So yeah, I unmasked and had a little euphoria because of it! Good times.