A letter to my younger self

Blog Post #6

I had a realization a couple days ago while out walking with my SO. I know I spent most of my teenage years on school. I never thought much of it. But he really put it into perspective for me when he said "you spent most of your day doing school work."

I've been chewing on this for a while, and it really all came together while sitting in the warm shower (a thing I commonly do, haha. I think it is an autistic safe space for me).

6am	wake up
7:30 to 15:30 (3:30pm)	I was going to/from or at school. (sure you could take 30 minutes out if you wanted to take out chatting around and enjoying lunch)
15:30 - 19:00/20:00 (7/8pm)	Once home, I usually worked on schoolwork until I had all my work done for the day.
Fun time	The, very minimal, time I had between school and going to bed was often spent playing some videogames.
22:00-23:00 (10-11:00 pm)	I'd usually go to bed around this time

Do you realize what this means?

This means I spent 22/24 hours of a day doing something that didn't bring me joy (sure, sleep is good for you but doesn't really make it fun).

Now don't get me wrong, learning can be fun, reading cool facts about protein shapes can be fun. But for twelve hours?

(I also want to acknowledge that I was privileged enough to not have to worry about chores and had a family that took care of that while I focused on school work. [But honestly, I think I would have rather cooked a meal with my mother every now and then than get an A on every single homework assignment])

Part of this makes my autism really obvious. I fell into a routine of wake up-go to school-do school-go home-do homework-have a little fun-go to bed-repeat.

But I also look at this, and I worry for that kid. What is a human's purpose? To be a cog in a machine? To follow directions fully and to completion every single time, even if that takes 4 hours in addition to the 7 hours I just spent at school? To only enjoy 2 hours of your 24 hour day?

I don't think so.

To my younger self,

I know you love dinosaurs. When's the last time you read a dinosaur book? Are you thinking of that book from who-knows-when (when we were like 5 maybe?) that was "3D" with blue and red lines and came with complementary paper 3D glasses with one plastic lens red and the other blue?

Have you ever thought of half-assing that assignment and reading a dinosaur book instead? Why don't you?

I know you like to follow the rules, and that means doing homework as instructed. But have you ever stopped to think that those rules don't have your best interest in mind?

And I know you don't really care about getting straight A's, but that you also can't seem to stop. It doesn't help that Mom seems to really like it.

But a human's purpose isn't to please everyone else. Isn't to get straight A's. It's to enjoy living.

And there's nothing wrong with enjoying school and enjoying homework, but you would be lying if you said there weren't times when tears streamed down your cheeks while you finished that damn assignment.

Fuck being sad. Dry your tears. Turn in that assignment as it is.

I look back and think, maybe it was a worthy sacrifice of my childhood to put me in this position where I am today.

But then again, I still could have graduated with an English degree without getting straight A's. In fact, I didn't get a scholarship from UofL with my 4.0 from high school. I got scholarships from my grades and dedication to Literature during college, while also maintaining a part-time job.

12 hours a day. That's what you spend doing schoolwork. 2 hours a day. That's the average time you spend doing something just for the sake of having fun.

Don't you think the scales should be a little more balanced than that?

And you could argue that that's what breaks are for. But that'd be ignoring the fact that you get assignments during breaks. And that'd also be ignoring that school is 8/12 months. That's not an even scale either.

Do you know when's the first time you read solely for the fact that you wanted to read a book, since middle school? No assignments attached?

Not until after you graduate college. (Although you did get to read some fun books in college. [Like There There by Tommy Orange])

Why don't you set down that assignment. Do it just enough to get a decent grade, like a B. And pick up a book. Maybe one about dinosaurs? Maybe one about dragons?

Sincerely,

Your Future Self